Oh Honey

It’s amazing how so much noise my brain is capable of making. It’s just like nonstop static and buzzing of necessary and unnecessary stuff colliding and bumping into each other like the whole world has gone mad.

What’s even more amazing is that despite the craziness that’s going on up there, you still manage to creep right in. You see crevices and cracks and smoke your way in and eventually wrap up the entire chaos in my head with your incredibly distracting haze. Until all of them unites and molds into one big giant blob of you.

You are in everything. In the silence…in the noise. In the crazy fucked up mini-world floating somewhere in this brain of mine. You are there.

You

Are

There.

And I push you away. I push and push some more until I end up hopelessly exhausted. I fake it and I smile and I pretend and I build more walls…more and more walls…and yet it is still there.

It

Is

STILL

There.

And one by one the walls fall apart. And I frantically gather the pieces together and try to build them up again but before they even form into one big protective cushion, they break down again on their own as if they too were tired of covering for me. They too, they too are tired.

And everything else in me is tired. I’m tired of the noise that this silence brings. I’m tired of the fighting and the thinking and faking. I’m tired.

But what are my options? Give in and give up?

And then what?

I’m just really tired. And now I’m just gonna have to go back to the noises in my mind and hopefully think of something better when I wake up. And when I do wake up, I know you will still be there. Snaking past the cracked walls and making its way to me. Choking what remains of my life out of me.

I Box You

May 27, 2011; 12:40 AM

You’re this thing that I put in a box and hide under my bed together with the dust and a lost pair of sock. You disappear from plain sight and I trick myself into believing that you no longer exist.

But really, if I wanted you to stop existing, I could have just thrown you in a big can meters away from my pad that’s labeled “MALATA” on the day that biodegradable garbage would be collected. So yeah, in a way, I’m just hiding you under the bed because I know that from time to time, I’m gonna want to pull you out. Because really, how many times have it happened already when I’d lie down at night and all I could think about was that box under my bed.

I always fight off the urge to pull you out, you know. Yet at the same time, I don’t really want you to stop existing. It’s this masochistic game I play with myself.

I wanna have fun, oh wait, why not try to hide him somewhere I never want to find but know where to find!

 If pointless had a big brother, then that is how you could describe what I’m trying to do here.

So okay, let’s say I decided to pull out that box, took you out and looked at you straight in the eye. What happens? I’d never have the courage to tell you anyway, and besides, even if I did, I can state 72 ways on how all of these could go really bad for me.

So eventually, I’d put you back in that box and slide you under the bed with a vow that I will never take you out again. But really, who am I kidding? You are still just under my bed.

Like I said, I could just as simply throw you in that big can labeled “MALATA” and let the garbage collectors take you away and bury you where you can rot with the rest of my neighbors biodegradable trash and forget you eventually because there’s nothing to pull back anymore. Yet I chose to have you near.

So stay there for a while. I’m comfortable having you there. If I had my way, I’d rather have you ON my bed rather than under it. But yeah, we both don’t know if you belong there too. So there.

 

Bittersweet Cycle

Everytime you leave, I am left a little bit broken. A little bit shattered. A little bit messed up. Just a little bit. Nothing I cannot handle. But still.

I know I’ll be missing you every day until my mind finally grasps the fact that it has to let go of that part of me that still holds on to you and all the other things unsaid.

Its beautiful, really. The Silence.

Fighting wars in my mind that only I can hear.

Sometimes I wish I could pry the words out of your tongue like those multi-colored pieces of cloth that magicians spit out of their mouths.

Tie them around my head so tight it would bleed.

My heart swells at the sight of you—with care? With respect? With love? With fear? With every little bit of everything that has always remained unsaid.

Your scent explodes in my chest like the 4^th of July, and how I’d like to hold on to a little bit of it too. Just a little bit.

When we sleep, I can feel my soul reaching out to you and holding you every night as if tomorrow would never come. There we were, two bodies lying beside each other with a big space boring in between while our souls intertwined and went to the place that our cowardly carnal bodies never dared go to.

Because we THINK that we’re smarter than that.

Oh the wars we fight in our heads.  We fight. We fight. And we fight a little bit more. Only to end up feeling defeated, almost all the time. And so we sleep, and wake up and go through the motions.

Our physical bodies moving while somewhere out there our souls celebrate their freedom from the wars we fight in our heads.

And so you leave. And here we are again. A little bit broken. A little bit shattered. A little bit messed up. We put time and space between us and forget. And move on. Again and again.

And again.

 

No, it didn’t…

I just realized that something I wished for a few months back didn’t come true.

You didn’t magically disappear. You’re still there. And it’s still impossible. My head just constantly throbs from fighting it. I know what is right. I know what to do.

But its just like going against a tsunami. It’s bigger than me and its here.

Its still here.

istragol

Resisting is tiring.

Letting it be is scary.

So what shall it be?

…

I don’t know and it’s all your fault.

…

I’m so calm about this that I’m scaring myself. I don’t know if this will all blow up someday or if it would just slowly fade away. At this rate though, the latter is unlikely. But the former is just plain stressful. Its funny how I keep playing possible scenes in my head and practicing how I’d react to each situation. So I guess I’m not really calm about the situation. I just seem so, but really, if you could read my mind…

I’m lost.

So I’m just going to let it be for now.

Secret Smile

I’ve got a smile that I can’t show so I’m keeping it to myself.

You make me happy, Muse. Only you shouldn’t know.

Til when, I ask?

Two mini lifetimes and an eternity of dreams.

Won’t you?

I’m sick of staring at an empty sky

At an empty bed

At an empty hand

At an empty heart…

So here I am naked and bare

And ready to ask the question I’ve been longing to ask…

Won’t you feel the space between my fingers?

The hollow silence of my heart?

Won’t you lie with me on the ground,

Stare at the stars,

And fall in love?

Won’t you?

Dear You’s

Dear Cold One,

Maybe sorry is not enough for now. But for what its worth…I’m sorry. One day, you will reap your good karma. And when that happens, I’m gonna look her in the eye and say…”You lucky bitch.”

I hope we could be friends one day. You do not deserve to be packed in a box that says “To be disposed.”

Love,

O.C.

___

Dear Stranger,

How do I even begin with you? Well, maybe I could start with a line from Master Marley’s song…”I don’t wanna wait in vain for your love…”

So FYI, I’m no longer waiting. In fairness to you though, you never asked me to wait. But starting today, I’d just like to say, you lost something precious. And I’m not saying this because I’m conceited. I’m saying this because I know that if we had just given each other a sincere chance, I would be your exception to your rule. And that would mean I broke your pattern.

But enjoy your cycle while you can. Because eventually, someone has to break it. It might not be me. But I’d be glad when that happens.

Love,

O.C.

___

Dear Silent Soul

I guess there’s only one thing I could say to you: Let’s just be nothing. I heard it lasts forever.

Love,

O.C.

___

Dear You,

I haven’t met you yet but you’ll eventually find your way to me. It will happen at the right time and place. And when that happens, I know that you will bring out the best in me the same way I’ll bring out the best in you too.

We would probably be two completely different people. And we’d bicker and fight. But we will not let the day pass without assuring each other that no matter how mad we are at each other, tomorrow when we wake up, our love would still be there.

Someday we will get bored with each other and think of trying out other partners. But we’d come back running to each others arms before we even come close to trying out others because we’d realize there’s really no point since we are each other’s “The One.”

And when we would have weak moments, the other one would suck it up and be strong for the other.

And when we grow old and gray, we’d still dance to our song and feel blessed that we spent the rest of our lives with the right person.

So my dear YOU, I want you to know that I am not in a hurry for you to arrive because I would want that moment to be perfect. In the mean time, I am learning as much as I can from life and love so that when you finally arrive, I’d be ready for you.

Take care and don’t get lost.

Your future,

O.C.

Hi, I’m Done

Starting today my ears are deaf

To your stories of grandeur and love conquests

I don’t want to hear again about that one time

You bought expensive flowers  and spent all your dime

No more, I’m done. The quitting has begun.

I’m no sounding board, you should know that by now

Not your ghost writer either, no longer telling you how

Maybe one day those glitters would fall off your eyes

But that to me would just be a lovely surprise

No more, I’m done. The quitting has begun.

My beautiful stranger, no more you are

Unloving you now, you’ve gone too far

I’m worth much more than being your ear

Not  having you for myself is no longer a fear

No  more, I’m done. The quitting has begun.

“You were too busy waiting for your star to fall that you lost your moon.”

Open Relationship

It’s ok…don’t be shy. You can fall for me. I do miss you, you know. I know that you had to leave…But you left for such a long time.

I missed you.

But now you are back. So thank you. Because I need you to bring life to me again.

The next time you go away, please remember me every now and then. You know I can’t live without you.

—DRY EARTH to RAIN